She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
