At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
