Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
