he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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