why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
