Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
