Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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