I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
