evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
