no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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