Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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