don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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