Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
