After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
