I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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