I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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