The maid of honor just puked.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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