I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
