Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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