These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
