In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
