Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just cropdusted the office
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
