chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
