I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
