The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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