I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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