it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
