I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
