Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before