I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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