you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
