Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
