So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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