After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
