if you like me you must not know who I am
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
