the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
