Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
