I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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