just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
