I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
