I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
