I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
