Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
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I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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