I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
