you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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