I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
