I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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