fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
