mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
