Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
