my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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