Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize