: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
