Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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